S4E9 - When To Quit Something - Shawn Buttner
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Shawn Buttner: [00:00:00] In 2016, I was with my coach and we, because of this process of high performance coaching and our relationship that we had together I was carrying around a lot of stress that I didn't really. Realize I was, and maybe you are also in this boat, but you wouldn't know it if you didn't know that you were stressed out about something you didn't know about.
Just of a weird phrase to say, but really if you've ever wondered how, when do I quit a project? When do I quit a job? When do I quit a relationship? When do I quit doing Pilates? Cuz it hurts when you've committed to And you said, I'm going to do this. How do you know when to let that go?
Hey everyone. Welcome to The Meaningful Revolution. I'm your host,Shawn Buttner, and this is the [00:01:00] podcast where we talk about things that help us find meaning in our life. Help us live our life to its fullest, inspires us to do our best so that we can live an extraordinary life. Extraordinary. To be a matter of fact, however you wanna say it.
I just wanted to say first off today is a solo episode. As we go into the end of the year, some scheduling, got a little goofed up, and with wanting to take some time off at the end of the year, I don't want to be editing a bunch of podcasts, so I'll be queuing them up for the end of the.
Talking a little bit about coaching and today's topic's gonna be about how coaching changes lives. And so we'll go from there. The last episode of the year will be got something stored for that. So stay tuned for that in the future. Let's see. Let's start off with the state of the [00:02:00] podcast.
So as you may or may not know, this was started in August of 2020. With the idea and just chasing the hunch that if you interview people that really love a particular topic, something that, that they find lights up their heart that you know that'll be compelling and people will. Find that interesting.
And as far as the data for the podcast shows, I think that's pretty true. So first off, I'm gonna thank you humbly for listening to this podcast that's ever evolving, ever changing. And as we wrap up the end of the year, I could not have done it with each of the guests, with each one of the listeners that are here.
As with that in mind, it's. Job, it's my responsibility. It's my duty to you, the humble listener to make sure that I'm constantly improving. [00:03:00] Today's solo episode has a little bit more of a structure behind it. So just like the interviews, I have a set of questions to help guide us through a, a set process that's ready.
Testing out that for the solo cast. So in times, There's something important to say or times when I just need a little bit of room between guests, I can do this effectively for you all. So with that said, if there's a topic or someone that you would love interviewed on the podcast, I'd love to hear that in the comments either on Apple Podcasts go to my blog or my website, I should say, that has this episode up and comment below there.
But I'd love also to hear from you folks if you guys are getting stuff out of this, if you enjoy it, what you really love about the show, what you'd love to change, and I'd love to have a little bit more of that community engagement and I'll be working a lot on that, a lot [00:04:00] more coming in the, into the future.
So stay tuned for that. I've tried a couple things here and there. But next year's gonna be the year where I. Kind of, now that I've learned a bit about it, to, to get more of some more traction on that. So that's of the state of the podcast. Overall I've been super happy with it and feel like I've been becoming a better host for y'all.
So we'll just keep that going. Today is how coaching changes people's lives, and I'd like to start off with this critical moment. probably in 2016 I was with my coach and we, because of this process of high performance coaching and our relationship that we had together I was carrying around a lot of stress that I didn't really realize I was, and maybe you are also in this boat, but you wouldn't know [00:05:00] it if you didn't know that you were stressed out about something you didn't know about.
Which is a weird phrase to say. Really, like I had a previous business where I was writing this ebook and it was stressing me out that it wasn't out, and I kept revising it. I kept revising it, and through our conversation gave myself permission to quit. So if you've ever wondered how, when do I quit a project?
When do I quit a job? When do I quit a relationship? When do I quit doing Pilates? Cuz it hurts . When you've committed to something and you said, I'm going to do this, how do you know when to let that go? and when does it become something that used to maybe motivate you and switch over to something that's weight that's preventing you from your next breakthrough, from your next level in your life.
So that's the topic we have today, is how coaching changes lives. In particular, when to quit things, because that's super important. [00:06:00] I would not have gotten to the point in that coaching relationship with my coach in 2016 had I not had a great relationship with that coach. So I want to go into what I think coaching really is and what I think makes a great coach.
And I'll highlight where I think my coach did really well there and my own coaching practice too. And give you some ideas on how to figure out when it's all right to quit. Something that you've put a lot of effort in that might be, again, preventing you from freeing up time, resources, head space, emotional space to pursue the next thing with.
So first thing is how do I define coaching? Or what is coaching? I Coaching to me is an influencing relationship where you're helping someone get self-discovery or discovery about how the world works. You're get helping people make decisions quicker [00:07:00] or more informed about our quality in a quicker time period, you're helping people improve performance.
And you're helping people just live a better life. And you could relate these to particular types of coaching. So like a sports coach might be more concerned about performance improvement, where a business coach might be helping you make decisions or helping you again perform better in your business, but primarily make, maybe make better decisions.
A, a personal development coach might help you discover who you are so you can live authentic. So there's all these different types of coaching and I think a great coach will cover each of those buckets with you in the course of your time together. How are you learning about yourself, learning about the world, how the world works, how you interact and live in the world?
That's a really good question. So I hope you're taking notes and you're writing that down. The second kind of thing is how is the [00:08:00] coach helping you? Decisions, think through things, right? A lot of times when it comes to decision making, it's either we're trying to cover too much territory, meaning that there's so many micro decisions that need to make up that the big decision.
So like you're thinking about, I had a client who was discussing whether to expand the family, right? So they wanted to have their third kid. They were fighting about it, but really what they needed to do is break it down into is this good financially? Yes or no? Is this good? For our current housing situation, how does that impact it?
How does it impact our quality of life? And so on. Breaking it down into a yes no, and some of these smaller decisions helped. Move that big decision forward so a coach can help talk you through those types of things or point out, or you're like, Hey, like you're stuck because there's smaller things that you need to figure out in order to make the big decision [00:09:00] and it can help you speed up that process.
A fantastic coach will question how you're doing things and have you reengage in learning on your craft or what you do for work or what. During the day, right? Like a sports coach making sure you're doing the fundamentals, but also making sure that you're pushing yourself, you're being challenged you're progressing in that way.
And then better living is how are you feeling during the day? Do you feel the day, do you feel excited for the day? Do you feel a sense of joy in the things that you do? And. It's so important to cover all those things. A great coach will be holistic in, in covering those areas and poking into your career, into your personal life, into your, like in relationships, into your health and into your general abili wellbeing or how you feel.
So [00:10:00] that's what I think coaching really is. And again, what makes a good coach is there's someone that's co-creating a vision for. So they're doing all those things. They're helping you see a different future for yourself and helping you build that plan to really make it happen. And so that's what happened in, in my story when I had again, been working on this project for three years and my coach asked me questions about it, and it's like, how do you really feel about it?
And I'm like, I never really thought how I felt about it. And so I remember sitting in the. Yeah, with my notebook during our coaching session and being like, ah, I need to close this down. I need to close this loop. And she's how would you feel if you didn't have to worry about that?
I'm like, oh, I probably would feel a lot happier. There's something, especially with high performers, not that I'm a high performer, but Not [00:11:00] the highest performer yet. We're all on that journey, but I do believe that. it was weighing down on me in ways where I couldn't start some things for my coaching business, which I was doing as a side hustle, trying to finish up this thing that I committed to myself that I would do in the past.
And so it was a really productive conversation of like, why are you holding on that? And what do you need to do to release that? And was really profound because I ended up releasing that project and making decision. that would impact me three years later, right? Because it was through that conversation and that relationship where I felt like I could safely explore what would happen if I quit this that I also I think in that moment, made the decision that I need to move into coaching full-time myself, right? But if I'm talking about what makes me happy, if I'm talking about what I find super fulfilling, [00:12:00] if I talk. What's really going to help me live the life that I really want to the life that I've designed for myself, which we talk a lot about in the podcast.
It was starting a business where I wasn't tied into a boss. It was part of it, but more importantly, like I just love working one-on-one with people and as a software engineer working at a job that I absolutely loved and that's the thing too. Sometimes you have to quit the things that you love and it hurts and it's scary and it's all these things where you start to get down on yourself.
You're like, why would I want to leave a job? That is great, and it's what you wanted for most of your life leading up to that job that was a really great moment for me about my coach to okay, I need to start making this plan. When am I going to [00:13:00] make the decision to to move?
With that said what are a couple of things that you can do if you need to determine, oh am I carrying anything that's stressing me out and how can I release tho those things? For the next best thing. And so the first thing is I think it's really important to engage a coach, engage a mentor, engage your friends or your support group.
So engage your community is what I'm gonna call this, but really it's who do you have in your life that has your best interest in life? Doesn't have an agenda for you and can really help you think through in a very strategic way, in a very open. Of what's going on. What is stressing you out?
What is holding you back from living that big dream? And I think coaches are a really great option for this, for all the reasons that I shared before. Cause coaching [00:14:00] isn't influencing. Relationship where you're trying to discover, make decisions, performance, improve and live better.
But again, it's also someone that's co-creating that vision by asking the right questions or going through a process to help you build that future and then helping you, you build that plan. So engaging your community, engaging a coach, engaging a mentor is the first thing I would think of for.
Trying to figure out should you quit something or is there something hanging over your head that you need to let go? The second thing, when you know in that conversation it, when you get clarity around what's holding you back or what's dragging you down is to. Really get clear on what you want after, right?
So it's one thing to be like, I'm not happy here. I'm feeling burnt out here, which is I've heard a lot as a coach the last couple years, or [00:15:00] I want to do something different, but I don't know what, so the second thing after finding mentor and engaging find out if. A reason to leave or a it's wise to leave maybe is to then get clarity on what do you want in life.
And so the question I'm really fond of that really impacted me is, are you living your truth? And think through that. As you journal about this or reflect on in your car or wherever you're at are you living your truth right now? And what does that mean to you? Because I think that it's such a big question, but I bet you if you heard it and you went, ugh, not in this part of my life that's the part to journal about. That's the part to maybe unpack, but on the converse side, like what is your truth? What would living your truth really look like? What does. How does that show up in your day-to-day life?
How does it show [00:16:00] up and how do you feel? How does it show up in the things you do, the people that the work you're putting out in the world? it's such a really big question. And it's super helpful to, to think through and get really clear because once you're clear on what you're working towards and maybe that.
Engage your coach, get clear on your future. Next is get clear on what you need to let go of, to move forward. So I was gonna have it lumped in that first point, but I think it's more app as its own thing where, Okay, so you have this clear vision of where you want to go.
What do you need to give up in order to make that happen? And it's not give up in a irresponsible way maybe you have some friends, you're not, you have family members that rely on you for food and for shelter and all that stuff. And so you need to go about it in a [00:17:00] smart way. If you're like, Hey, like I really want to.
Become a dentist and I'm not in school. I need to get to school. And in order to go to school, I have to start playing that game of I need to find a different job, or I need to find a way to fund it, and all that stuff. What do you need to give up in order to realize your dream to get started?
The, engage your community coach, get clarity on your future, get clarity on what you need to give up. The fourth point is to build your plan, right? And that encompasses a lot of different components. So you wanna think of what do you need to do to prepare for making that decision to, to start fully living into that vision you have for yourself.
What are the trigger points for making it happen? So you know, when are you actually gonna make the decision? Which leads to our [00:18:00] next point, which I'll tell you in a second. And then what are the contingencies. and backup plans for after you make that decision. So in the case of quitting your corporate job which is something I did in 2019.
I did end up leaving Apple after working through this for years, right? And I probably could have done it sooner. Probably should have done it sooner in a lot of ways. But it, it took me. Getting rid of student, I needed to get rid of my student debt I needed, which I did. I needed to have a nest egg.
I wanted to have stock vested for my initial hire at Apple, I wanted to really be sure I wanted to pursue that career in coaching. So side hustling the coaching thing as I was working full-time at Apple as a software engineer and so on and. It was what do I need to get ready to make the decision, right [00:19:00] to, so when I made the decision or when it was time to make the decision, so I knew that I had X amount in the bank I had this, and then it was just rallying the troops, right?
So getting my wife on board, then girlfriend, now wife, it was. Letting my manager know and all that kind of stuff. And then after it, it was okay. So like worst case scenario, this coaching thing doesn't work. What happens? I live in California, close to Silicon Valley, so there's a lot of job opportunities for my technical skillset if I need to go back there.
I could engage my community, my coaching communities and stuff. Whoever helps. Yo do my best job as a coach and a business owner and so on. So it, having, knowing that ahead of time helped me make that decision. And so I [00:20:00] would encourage you if you're not living your truth, if you have a vision for where you want to go and what you have to give up, like what is your plan?
And maybe you need to talk with a coach to, to really get that crystal clear. I know that helped. Initially on getting more focused on my coaching business side hustle and apple and what I wanted for my future and when to leave and all that. So when you have that plan figured out what are your pre-conditions to, to make the decision, what happens when you make the decision, and then what hap you know what to do in case bad things happen or your worst.
Good thing is to set a deadline, right? And the deadline is either I will have those preconditions met or not. And so this is where a lot of people of stumble on this. You have a deadline, you don't meet it, you push it back, you have a deadline, you don't meet it, you push it back.
And that's actually what happened to me. That's why it took three years to finally [00:21:00] jump into my coaching business full-time, it's doing the work. There's nothing wrong with that particular thing, but there's also, you have to really be clear on why you're pushing the deadline if it's not working for you.
Sometimes deadlines are arbitrary and we just stress ourselves out. And I had a podcast recently about that with Lisa Bingley, so go check that out. But sometimes the deadline. Is missed because we're dealing with fear and we're dealing with fear that we're not enough, or that we're gonna go broke, or we're gonna embarrass ourselves, or we're gonna put ourselves out and it's not gonna work, or it's not gonna work out in the way.
So there's so many different worries and fears. That we all have and whether that's in the context of quitting your job or quitting a project, or quitting a relationship, or quitting a health regimen [00:22:00] there's some attachment to it or some feeling that we might fail. And here's probably the unpopular opinion about that right now is that you're always successful.
At something, you're always failing something in any given moment. , what do I mean by that? Like you might when I left Apple, I quit a job and so maybe you could say I failed in my tech career, but I then started to succeed in living the life that I really wanted or building a business that was more meaningful to me.
So that was the beginning of that success story, but the end of maybe my tech career. It's all how you frame it and it's all what makes you feel good about your decisions. And honestly, like it's more important to just own your decisions and move forward and figure it out than to worry about all the things [00:23:00] that, that really happens.
I really think that that's the power of coaching. It's to own your decisions. It's to own your future. It's to own your ambitions and the things you're going after. And when you do that, it's much easier to step in and be like, okay, I can figure this out. I can move forward.
I can make this thing happen for me, for my family, for my communities, for my legacy impact and enjoy. . With that said closing thoughts. I think really like having a strong relationship with somebody, right? Whether that is. A formal coach that you hire or a mentor or a wise family member or community leader that's the power of that coaching relationship that can [00:24:00] really transform your life.
And it has transformed my life, like I said, like I went from having this project hanging over my head and realizing I should drop that to feel less stressed than. also realizing that, hey, like I need to shift my career for what I really want, which is a heavier not less important but heavier kind of topic to mull over.
And it took me a while to realize that, you know what, my heart lies in the coaching, not with learning the next tech stack and all the cool things, and dealing with the big egos with that come along with working at one of your dream jobs. Or at least it was for me. yeah. If you are thinking like, Hey, I'd love to try out coaching.
I'd love to have this exploration with a guided process and a skilled coach you can below this video sign up for a free [00:25:00] one-on-one session with me. Get posted on YouTube and all that. But I know how transformative this experience is and I know that we can find something that'll help you break through if we spend a little time together.
And that's why I offer this for free. Full disclosure too, if we do the free option, I will take parts of it to post on YouTube to just. How the coaching process works for this new series or YouTube series I'm working on. Just so that you know that's the deal. Yeah, so if you're interested, hit the link below, get your application in, and we'll schedule a time to, to spend an hour on your life walking through this high performance process and. It's because it changes lives. It can change your life. Having that type of relationship, that type of conversation, that type of process and [00:26:00] support you need to get into the future that you want.
And I want, I'm here to support your inhibitions to say that with the right. Planning the right process, nearly anything is possible for you. I firmly believe that and I'd love to be the coach that helped transformed your life like my coach. Was for me in reducing stress, but also opening up a new possibility for the future.
With that said, guys this isShawn Buttner saying Live with more joy, more growth, and more impact. I'll explain what that means actually in next episode. So make sure you check us out next week and we'll see you then Take.[00:27:00]
