S7E13 - Turning Grief Into Connection: Creating and Sharing Your Impact List
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Hey everyone. Welcome to the Meaningful Revolution. I am your host and certified high performance coach, Shawn Buttner. And this week we're taking a break from interviews and we've had the day of the dead.
We've had Halloween this week. And I thought it'd be a great time to talk about grief, and the idea that grief helps us grow. Now, as a high performance coach, this is something I've been thinking about a lot this week. after having a conversation with one of my good friends about this book, Bittersweet, by Susan Cain.
And I think I talked about this in an episode a little while back, but the basic idea is... this feeling of bittersweet is a longing for something, and it could be a longing for a family member that's passed away, it could be longing for [00:01:00] a quality of life, it could be longing for creating your big piece of art, or whatnot, there's so many different Things that people long for in our lives and in society, in the U.
S. especially, we tend to be future focused, meaning, something that happens to us. What are we doing to move forward? How are we moving forward with it? And so we miss these opportunities to really have the presence in some of these feelings that we have in our human experience that can really help us grow.
Because ultimately, these feelings that often, or these situations that often cause sadness, or fear, or anger, or grief, or guilt, or doubt, or disappointment are the things that we should be talking about a lot more in order to connect with [00:02:00] others. Because when you don't, you feel isolated, and you feel like...
People don't understand you and that causes a lot of conflict out in the world. and I bring this up again because, this week is Day of the Dead. We're supposed to honor our ancestors. I've been thinking a lot about my mom. And, we lost her years and years ago due to complications of heart surgery.
that was a prolonged, painful part of my life. living in California, growing up in Chicago, that year, basically every two weeks I was flying back to Chicago to help my dad out, to be, sit with my mom as the rollercoaster of recovery, of ups and downs happened, and ultimately,she had a lung collapse, and then brain damage, and then we made the call as a family to put her on hospice, because that's what she wanted.
And, it was a deeply [00:03:00] painful period, and I didn't talk to many people around me, right? I had some good friends that knew everything, I had some friends that knew that stuff was happening, but I never, I didn't want to dwell on it, We're friends, you should be talking about the new kids, or,family things, or hopes for the future, but I In that moment of transformation where this very human experience of losing a parent happens,
it's universal, right? If you've ever been born or have been in a family, there are people in your life that are important to you that you lose. And it's okay to talk about it. And when you say, hey, I'm struggling, so often, I was talking with my wife about this, who's a psychologist, you'll have a million [00:04:00] people checking in on you, saying are you okay?
Are you okay? Are you okay? And it's almost aggressive in a weird way, if you've ever been at the receiving end of are you okay's after a big, sad thing happens in your life, it's, it comes off. After a while of, you're not actually trying to check in on me, you just want to be relieved of the feeling that there's something wrong.
I'm not sure if I'm articulating that but it's, almost putting it on you to be okay. and I think what I like to do when I'm at my best, and I'm always, as, A human being trying to be empathetic is to share that, Hey, I'm here if you need to talk. If you don't need to talk, that's fine.
If you need to do something else, that's fine. But I understand you're going through something and I'm there for you. So [00:05:00] let me know if you what I need to do. but I'm not going to push that on you. I think at least for me, that helps. Sometimes people just are more out and they need some time to recuperate.
Sometimes people, I've had people be like, you know what, I'm really glad you offered to listen. And here's what I'm thinking. Am I crazy? And the thing is a hundred percent of the time, you're not crazy, right? People grieve in so many different ways. And. You have to, it sounds cliché, you have to figure out how to do it yourself.
But, having that space where you can connect with people and get their thoughts on life, and how they view death, and how they view grief, and how they get through it, I think, can really help. And that, that is, I think, a more empathetic way [00:06:00] of being versus saying, are you okay? And yeah, if you are dealing with something and need someone to talk to, I'm a coach, but I also offer a free one hour strategy session.
And if you just need to talk to somebody to talk through, like I'm grieving, you might need someone who is more qualified than a coach like myself. But I can help you figure that out, and hey, my grief is getting in the way of me living my life fully, with joy, with connection, with, not getting stuck in that feeling, of grieving.
And I think Susan Cain, in her book Bittersweet, really hit the nail on the head that like, part of, Dealing with grief or this concept of longing is turning it into art or turning it into something productive, right? And I've been thinking about that a lot in the terms of high performance, how, grief really, if turned into [00:07:00] something and used for good and not evil, could help you feel more alive.
It can help you feel. More present, more in tuned with the world and the cycles that we live and often ignore of, birth, growth, and death, right? To put it really simply, but,it, there's a magic to someone who is optimistic and I think I'm a pretty upbeat guy. Who also understands that, that tinge, that mixing in of sadness or grief in this particular conversation.
what can you do? So we're talking about, how can you feel created or lead to turn something sad and make it better, right? I think that's what Hey Jude from the Beatles essentially, take a sad song. anyways. Before I go quoting the Beatles, and that, just to share too, my mom was such a Beatles fan and [00:08:00] anytime there's a reference to the Beatles or they come up on the radio or out in the world and it still happens a lot even though the band's been gone for a while, it's a very, it is a very bittersweet feeling of that music and how important that was to her and how she passed on that love to me and my brother of music in general.
And, yeah, I can get teared up sometimes thinking about the Beatles and their music. But, So what can you do, right? If somebody is grieving, or if you're grieving, you talk about it, right? Talk about it, find somebody to talk to about it, and I think it'll be really helpful. and since it is also, this week we celebrated the Day of the Dead, I thought, what can you do to honor someone that you've lost?
And I think doing what I did, this year was create a, impact list. I don't know what to call it yet, but it's like an honoring list. [00:09:00] But, for me, part of living with grief and living with the loss of my mom and, other family members has always been to really honor what they taught you, right?
I don't, I like to call it ghosts or echoes of that person in your life. and so some of the great things that I learned from my mom are the following, right? A love of music. Like I said, she absolutely loved the Beatles. Anytime there's anything about the Beatles in the newspaper, I think since she was a teenager, she had like a box of clippings of it.
all the documentaries, all of, anything, John Lennon especially, she absolutely loved John Lennon. she was totally into, and I have memories growing up of getting up at night to go to the bathroom, my mom's in our living room, in our small apartment, with these giant headphones. and just singing to herself to this [00:10:00] music that was so important to her.
But, and she really did encourage us to, find our music. very wise being it doesn't have to be the music I love, but inevitably, it, she had a really great taste as did my dad with classic rock. And,my brother went into music. I think a lot because of that drive and, it's been a very important part of my life and I owe that to her.
she's also an extremely curious person. with people and just exploring the world and just asking the question, what if? the amount of books she read, for someone who hated high school. But I think just barely got through it. her appetite for reading all sorts of weird stuff. history to, conspiracy stuff, which she thought was what if this is the mental exercise of, this could happen.
How would [00:11:00] that work? And does it even make sense? And all that kind of stuff. I think I got from her. she was always someone to say, you never know what somebody else has been through. And so that curiosity about people, about just because someone is lashing out at you doesn't necessarily mean it has anything to do with you.
It's them dealing with their life. And to take a beat and just try to understand, And sometimes it is you, and that's okay too, But... If it is, then you can make the choice on is it valid and all that kind of stuff, but, yeah, she really was just curious about people and life and topics and It's probably like I have so many memories of her reading and it made me want to read really young And so that was a big part of my life, and is a big part of my life I think I don't think I know but [00:12:00] Maybe not so much recently, but anyways, I'm rambling.
respect. She was, oh yeah, always into manners, you can get a lot done by small moments of kindness. she was really, always talking about the little people that make the world run. Being someone that I think she would consider. One of those types, but the people that often get ignored, it's why when I go into an organization, I'll say hi to the janitor or people at the desk or anybody who's doing any type of manual labor or any type of thing, to help support an organization.
It's so important to see those people and to appreciate them. and she was very creative, I think. Without going into too many details about family history and stuff, there were a lot of moments of hardship in her life that she was able to get through [00:13:00] with humor, with making jokes, sometimes very morbid, creepy jokes, and I definitely took that on and it took me a while to realize that if you say something kind of morbid with a straight face.
People don't like that, some people, the right people will, but yeah, she had a very dark sense of humor, but it was hilarious. And oftentimes when things got hard, she was an expert at finding the funny sliver of it. To poke fun of, to call out is absurd. or to find the thing to laugh at.
And one of the last things she said before she, she couldn't talk. When she was in, before we put her in hospice, was that one day we're going to look back at all this and laugh, and she really believed that, until, life happened, and it didn't turn out the way that we wanted, but, I'm sure if she could have talked, she would have found something really funny to, point that out, but, [00:14:00] that's what I mean when it comes to this, impact list or honoring list.
I'm not, again, not sure what to call it, who is somebody in your life that meant a lot to you and taught you a lot about life? And think about it. Create this list. If you could think of five things, that's just to put a mark in the sand for you to get after and think about why those experiences or why those things came to your mind and talk to your loved ones about it.
Talk to your friends about it and ask them to do this because I think with a little bit of how sad this type of, activity can be you'll find that connection with people. And I think a lot of people are really starved for that connection. And you can take something that's sad and share it on a podcast and turn it into,[00:15:00] put art in quotes, but into something creative and put it out in the world and see what happens,
I think doing this episode and talking about my mom in a little bit more personal way. Today, on this platform is part of turning the continual grief that I had, even though it's been years, into something in the world that maybe you connected with or resonated with. so if you did resonate with it, let me know in the comments.
Put your,impact honoring list in the comments there too so we can cheer you on and support each other and connect. and. As always, if you need to talk to someone cause you feel stuck in your grief and you're not sure if it's how to move forward, right? One way or the other, whether it's through hiring me as a coach or talking, having a free call with me as a coach or getting some direction that hey, like [00:16:00] you probably should go and get some expert help.
I'd love to do that for you. Link below in the show notes to sign up for a free one hour strategy session. I'd love to talk with you then. so with that, this is the, this is Shawn Buttner signing off and I hope you enjoyed this episode of the meaningful revolution. We'll see you guys next week with a fantastic guest.
we have a great guest scheduled for you. who's a serial entrepreneur from Silicon Valley. It's living in Texas now, and I'm super excited to share that with you, but we'll see you then. This is Shawn Buttner signing off.
